@frigginfrench

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

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@mattgallo123

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

@iRowlf

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

@RobotThomas

What I lack in personality I don’t make up for in anything else.

@mariana057

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

@fro_vo

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

@shrimple_

Post Malone? My student debt is none of your business pal

@skittle624

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

@Super_Cynthia

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

@badbanana

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.