I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
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Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Fluff me with a fork baby
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.