i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?