Tell me I’m beautiful
Tell me I’m a genius
“You’re a genius”
“Just give me the toilet paper, please”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
“I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!”