i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*