i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Can Happiness buy money?
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.