I once saw a road sign that said, “Slow Down, Small Children at Play” but then it occurred to me that I’m not afraid of small children

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*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.


Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.


CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny


Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan


If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.


It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.


One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn’t Nintendo.


Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]


The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.