@gabemakesmusic

I once saw a road sign that said, “Slow Down, Small Children at Play” but then it occurred to me that I’m not afraid of small children

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@TuSoonShakur

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

@Breadery

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

@AnOrangeSNES

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

@steeve_again

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

@PajamaStew

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

@birbigs

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

@GuttaLikeNoOtha

One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn’t Nintendo.

@thezsmooth

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

@BradBroaddus

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.