This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
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The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?