Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
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I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 200 million people know your ad agency sucks.
How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.