I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
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First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Can. I. Help. You.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”