@ilovepie84

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

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@pleatedjeans

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

@seamusmckracken

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

@juliussharpe

The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 200 million people know your ad agency sucks.

@briangaar

How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*

@dorsalstream

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

@ghostkrogh

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

@panmidwest

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

@Browtweaten

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

@badbanana

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

@WilliamAder

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.