I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
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The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
felt that
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”