I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
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If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?