I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
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My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.