@MissSassy_Pants

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

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@truegritrumble

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

@JoParkerBear

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

@Smooheed

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

@hero_ofthenight

I love that movie about BDSM where the guy is a great kisser & ties up grown men & photographs them for money

Spider-Man, I love Spider-Man

@JasonLastname

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

@BarlowAdams

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

@tweetsbyrocket

[restaurant]

wife: i think we should have children

me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza

@PieChord

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

@CaucasianJames

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm