I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
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I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.