I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

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9yo: (mouths off to me)


Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.


You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking


My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.


“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs


“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”


If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.


I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.