Me: I know you from somewhere
Jesus: I get that a lot
Me: no I’m sure
Jesus: just one of those faces
Me: [holding arms out] go like this
I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name
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I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
2008: listen high school sucks for a lot of people but in a decade you’ll be making good money, probably have a wife
2018: you’re in an online feud with DaCumGuzzler69
I’ll do your taxes for free if you tell my mom we’re dating.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”