Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
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Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
🤣😂
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
our love story in four pictures
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I am all good here, 😂😉
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.