@OmeoMusic

I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name

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@thenatewolf

Me: I know you from somewhere

Jesus: I get that a lot

Me: no I’m sure

Jesus: just one of those faces

Me: [holding arms out] go like this

@hazelmotes1

I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.

@DionneMcNutt

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

@Cheeseboy22

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

@CIAGoFundMe

2008: listen high school sucks for a lot of people but in a decade you’ll be making good money, probably have a wife

2018: you’re in an online feud with DaCumGuzzler69

@Sassafrantz

I’ll do your taxes for free if you tell my mom we’re dating.

@Just__J0

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

@JasonNotEvil

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

@OtherDanOBrien

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”