I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
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My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.