How to make pasta:
-Put what you think couldn’t possibly be too much pasta in the pot.
-Start an Italian restaurant.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
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When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box…But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
*pinching bridge of my nose*
Kid, the sky is blue because it’s made of dead Smurfs, okay? Believe me, I don’t like it either.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
(I’m not deleting this)
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:nn1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?n2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?