I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
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I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos