I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
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When libraries troll their patrons.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.