I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
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I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
me doing my best
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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