I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
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Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Just how popey was the pope today?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Story of my life…..
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”