I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
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showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.