I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
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Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I want what they have
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Stonehinge
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end