I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
You Might Also Like
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Banking tips
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.