I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
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Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.