I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
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Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.