Life is like a box of chocolates. I don’t have a box of chocolates.
I only buy stuff I need on Amazon.
*Opens new metal detector*
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Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he’s murdered.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You’d think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they’d be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Me: Whatcha making?
Mom: Dill bread.
Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?
Mom: Get out.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”