@CantWaitToNap

I only buy stuff I need on Amazon.

*Opens new metal detector*

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@MrNickJC

Life is like a box of chocolates. I don’t have a box of chocolates.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

@Home_Halfway

Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he’s murdered.

@NotKarma

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

@Rachelnoise

Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You’d think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they’d be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.

@sageboggs

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

@shkeeber

Me: Whatcha making?

Mom: Dill bread.

Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?

Mom: Get out.

@ShortSleeveSuit

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

@djdarrellripley

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

@UncleDuke1969

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”