I only buy stuff I need on Amazon.

*Opens new metal detector*

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Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.


[job interview]
Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness
Me: Well, I don’t really want to do anything


ME: Babe, it’s Christmas *gets on one knee*


ME: And I have just one question *gets in fetal position*

GF: Uh

ME: Can we leave this family party. Your dad keeps wanting to arm wrestle me


dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry

hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands

dumbledore: do i look like a wizard


[first day as a zoo tour guide]

kid: do giraffes eat clouds

me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho


Apple Maps: Our artisanal cartographers hope you enjoy this pleasant journey. 28 min

Google Maps: Our algorithm has determined an optimal path for the most efficient route given current traffic conditions. 25 min

Waze: Drive through this dude’s living room. 17 min


I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore


[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on


Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.