Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I only buy stuff I need on Amazon.
*Opens new metal detector*
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Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness
Me: Well, I don’t really want to do anything
ME: Babe, it’s Christmas *gets on one knee*
ME: And I have just one question *gets in fetal position*
ME: Can we leave this family party. Your dad keeps wanting to arm wrestle me
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry
hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands
dumbledore: do i look like a wizard
[first day as a zoo tour guide]
kid: do giraffes eat clouds
me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho
Apple Maps: Our artisanal cartographers hope you enjoy this pleasant journey. 28 min
Google Maps: Our algorithm has determined an optimal path for the most efficient route given current traffic conditions. 25 min
Waze: Drive through this dude’s living room. 17 min
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.