An old Nigerian man just played a siren sound on his phone in the line at the airport to announce someone stole his sandals, I can’t breathe
I only buy stuff I need on Amazon.
*Opens new metal detector*
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Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Fireworks? Yes it does.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.