@CantWaitToNap

I only buy the essentials on Amazon.

*Opens new Night Vision Goggle Kit*

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@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

@UnFitz

I remember when things only cost an arm.

@Gre_Gone

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

@FroggyGonnaJump

She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11

@Scdavis24

If god came down to earth, he’d have to take the form of Morgan Freeman. At this point, anything less would be disappointing.

@Reverend_Scott

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

@MensHumor

I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.

@rolldiggity

INTERVIEWER: “How would you describe yourself?”
ME: “Verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance.”

@emmatheist

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?