evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
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Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Its a hippotatomus
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
i’m still crying at this
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?