I only buy the essentials on Amazon.

*Opens new Night Vision Goggle Kit*

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5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.



5-year-old: Mom?


I remember when things only cost an arm.


*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*


She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.


[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11


If god came down to earth, he’d have to take the form of Morgan Freeman. At this point, anything less would be disappointing.


me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute


I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.


INTERVIEWER: “How would you describe yourself?”
ME: “Verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance.”


Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?