I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
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*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.