I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

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[stops during sex]

If you spin my fanny pack around, there’s sandwiches in there. Help yourself.


Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!


My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.


Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.


My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood


[gets pulled over]

cop: do you know how fast you were growing?

me: officer, I wa-wait did you say growing?

cop: *removes mask to reveal grandma* you’ve gotten so big


If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?


Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?

Cause Sheeran.


my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun