I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
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You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
welp
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.