@protolalia

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

You Might Also Like

@Sassafrantz

[stops during sex]

If you spin my fanny pack around, there’s sandwiches in there. Help yourself.

@mommajessiec

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

@Darlainky

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

@fixyourcompass

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

@JermHimselfish

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

@ohen39

[gets pulled over]

cop: do you know how fast you were growing?

me: officer, I wa-wait did you say growing?

cop: *removes mask to reveal grandma* you’ve gotten so big

@lovemydogduck

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

@Derpey

Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?

Cause Sheeran.

@online_rat

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun