I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
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Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?