Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.