@girlontapas

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

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@jsaffle1

Funny how old trash yards always have so much razor wire on the fence
If I want that trash bad enough no amount of razors will stop me

@RadWizzy

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

@daplusk

Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

@ninjadinosaur1

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

@RandomRamblr

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

@sixfootcandy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

@moist_jeff

*Young Jesus plays with food*
Mary: you’re not playing until you finish your bread and fish!
*ugh*
*touches food*
*it multiplies*
NOOOOOO!!!