I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
This came to me in a dream.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.