@Reverend_Scott

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

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@mrtruthandsoul

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

@Jake_Vig

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

@meghaffer

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

@ojedge

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

@Crunk_Jews

90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.

@iGreenGod

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

@WritePlay

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

@TheTweetOfGod

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

@iwearaonesie

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

@samdunsiger

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.