I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
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Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe