@Mr_Dizzystick

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

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@haleysfalling

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

@Browtweaten

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

@P_Liesenhoff

US customs officer during passport check at airport:
You were born in Beirut? Why the GER passport??
Me: No, it’s Bayreuth, see, the spelling is different!
Him: What’s the difference?
Me: My town is in GER, the other is in the Middle East.
Him: Sir! Are you from the Middle East??

@SaltyCorpse

My son got a Country Boy sticker for his truck. I wrote “but I live on a golf course and I’m afraid of cows” under it bc I don’t like lies.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Him: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.

@subtweetopath

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

@kkingparsons

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

@OINKimmaPIG

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

@simoncholland

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

@MrWaqasAkram

Wow howl of winter 😍😍
#WTI
#اچھے_الفاظ
@Tayyaba__94
@TayyabaWaqas94
https://t.co/yFA0E1lbDX