i only eat nature valley granola bars in the beds of my enemies.

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[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*


CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.


INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit



A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.


[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?


I’ve conditioned myself to only poop at work. Now my bathroom smells great but I can’t take more than 2 days off w/o terrible constipation.


[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂


My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink, until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.


The revolution will be tweeted. The sunset, Instagrammed. The relationship, Facebooked. The storm, Vined.