i only eat nature valley granola bars in the beds of my enemies.

You Might Also Like


told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription


I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.


Anytime a religious organization follows me I just assume I’m being used as a case study/example and they are praying super hard.


My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.


Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.


Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky


At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
G: *panicked look*


My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.


I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss


[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out