Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Now this is how you LinkedIn
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My current situation
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept