ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
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Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*