I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
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Just grow your own
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
he’s sick of your bullshit today