I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
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i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
every single time
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”