I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

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If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long


Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.


It is estimated that 1 Million people plan to gather at Times Square to watch the ball drop while looking down at their phones.


In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.


Fruitcake is like marriage. It takes two things that are great on their own and mashes them together into one thing that sucks.


I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.


I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.


HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm