i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
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[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing