I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

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Her: *shyly* If I told you I loved you would you say it back?
Me: Of course
Her: Then I love you
Me: It back


I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.


I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.


officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*


Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout


“Body of Christ.”

“Why thank you, I HAVE been working out.”


My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.


I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.


Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.


Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.