@BradBroaddus

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

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@PaperWash

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

@TheTweetOfGod

Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.

@badbanana

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

@Mr_Kapowski

[hotel room]

Wife: *laying seductively on bed in lingerie* “C’mere baby”

Me: “OMG. Get off that bedspread. The hotel doesn’t wash those”

@AngieDavisHaha

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

@Sean_Burgundy_

Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house?

Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk

@TheGladStork

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

@sofarrsogud

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

@robdelaney

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁