I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
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A classic example of a cat being a cat.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Yes
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body