I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.