@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

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@alexlumaga

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

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@RappaRick

?”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

@mrjohndarby

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

@ThatMummyLife

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

@samalmightysam

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

@Dawn_M_

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

@ShaneKnowsStuff

People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I’m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.

@anerdonfire2

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

@TinaMav

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..