I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
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Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
selfie game
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!