I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

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Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?


After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.


“Follow your dreams!” say the people who won’t pay my rent.


It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.


*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound


You: “Nice glasses.”
Me: “Thanks. They’d look better on your nightstand.”


[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane


I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.


Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t