I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
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Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.