@aneesa_p

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

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@prufrockluvsong

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

@junejuly12

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

@mollzbenn

“Follow your dreams!” say the people who won’t pay my rent.

@writerPT

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

@Book_Krazy

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

@gabydunn

You: “Nice glasses.”
Me: “Thanks. They’d look better on your nightstand.”

@squirrel74wkgn

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

@jordan_stratton

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

@ArfMeasures

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t