@aneesa_p

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

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@Kica333

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

@ayyyyloser

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

@TheTweetOfGod

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

@duplicitron

Where do I see myself in ten years? I don’t know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*

@dorsalstream

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

@ddsmidt

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

@TellingTellers

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.