I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
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*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Why does laundry happen to good people?
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*