I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
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“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
A wise man once said nothing.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”