I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
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Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
welp