I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
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Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier