I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

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Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”


No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.


By all means, have your opinion. It’s how we tell just how dumb you are.


“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“


Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!


I deserve an Academy Award for the way I just searched the fridge with my son for his leftovers that I definitely ate.


Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?


If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.


{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*


Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.