I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
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Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.